The Melancholy of Shinji Ikari
by Internet Jesus
Summary: Shinji Ikari. Ordinary High School Student. Or so he thought. Everything changes when a weird girl named Mana Kirishima shows up. Nothing will ever be ordinary again. AU, AU, AU.THIS MEANS CHARACTERS WILL NOT ACT LIKE YOU WANT THEM TO.
1. The Melancholy of Shinji Ikari I

Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Gainax. The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya is authored by Nagaru Tanigawa and the Anime is being made by Kyoto Animation. I do not own them, nor do I claim to. If I did, I wouldn't be doing this shit.

Author's Notes: I'm taking a little break from writing Fourth Impact. I'm getting a wee bit tired of angst, so I'm going to take a shot at comedy.

This is written mostly as a one-shot to see if Eva characters can be funny in the Haruhi-verse. I've got most of the analogues figured out, but I have no idea if I should continue. Eh, enjoy, at least. There will be horribly Out-of-character moments in this, but hell, who cares.

This entire thing is based off of Episode 2 (or 1, if you're following things correctly) of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya.

_"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place." - Bill O'Neal_

My name is Shinji Ikari. I am an ordinary student in this ordinary town called Tokyo-3. I've always preferred my life to be quiet, and it was. When I was a kid, I believed in Angels, Demons, Secret Societies and Aliens, but after turning fourteen, those things weren't so real anymore. Maybe I've matured somehow with my ripe...young...age.

Sure, sometimes I wanted Angels, Demons, Secret Societies and Aliens to pop up right in front of me, but, alas, the reality of it is, only that meteor that destroyed the south pole was real. After that, nothing interesting ever happens in this sleepy little town. My father works for the government, and so does my mother.

I hung out with my best friends, Toji Suzuhara and Kensuke Aida. I say "hung" out, because everything changed the first day of high school.

I introduced myself, keeping my introduction short because I knew most of the people in my class in middle school.

That was when she came into my life. She was redheaded, beautiful, and, luckily (I thought), was sitting behind me.

She stood up.

"My name is Mana Kirishima. I have no interest in ordinary humans. I call on the Angels, Demons, Members of Secret Societies and Aliens in this class to come forward and join me. That is all."

I turned my head toward her slowly. Was she serious?

She was looking around the classroom at the shocked faces of our classmates. Each and every one. Eye to eye.

She raised her eyebrow, "Hmph"-ed and sat back down, indicating the person behind her to introduce themself. But everyone was still stunned by what she said.

Looking back on it, I don't think it was mere coincidence.

Though...I would sincerely hope it was.

------------------------------------------

**The Melancholy of Shinji Ikari**

------------------------------------------

In the next few weeks, I observed her. Sure, some of it was curiosity...a majority of it, hormones. But, if she just sat still, you wouldn't think of her as anything other than a beautiful schoolgirl.

Sitting in front of her, naturally, I gathered up the nerve to talk to her.

"So...Mana, was it? How much of your introduction was serious?"

"...what do you mean?"

"Oh, about the Angels and Demons and stuff."

"Are you an Angel, or at least connected to them?"

"Err...no..."

"Then quit talking to me. You're wasting my time."

Lunch.

Toji informed me that he was with her in middle school for a couple of years. Her weird behavior was evident even then, he said.

"Do you remember that weird logo thingie written on all the boards in all the classrooms?"

"Vaguely", I replied. "She did that?"

"That's what she claimed to do. Apparently, it was in an ancient language to draw out any Alien who happened to read it."

Even with her quirky behavior, Toji told me, she was still popular with boys. It isn't hard to imagine since she was very attractive. And as we all observed, she was very athletic, beating out a lot of the best. As for boys...her last boyfriend apparently lasted only 15 minutes, because she found out he was just an ordinary human. Pretty as she was, her behavior did turn me off.

P.E.

Toji was, of course, comparing women. The class rep, Hikari Horaki, caught his eye. And in his view, she's a rank A. AA, to be exact. But there came Mana, beating even the boys at sprinting. Curiously, she never talks to anyone.

For about a month, she didn't act up. During this time, I observed her closely. I noticed that her hairstyle changed every day.

She also joined all the athletic clubs, but she quit them all within days. Apparently everyone was normal in all those clubs, too.

After the Golden Week, not seeing her for a week...I don't know what came over me. It was like a lamb being led to a slaughter. Or perhaps more appropriately, like a train wreck you couldn't keep your eyes off of...I spoke to her about her hair.

"Say...Mana, do you change your hair daily as a sign to Secret Societies not to recruit you?"

"When did you notice?"

"Err...recently. Hehe."

"Ah. Well, I think each day gives off a different image. Mondays, I wear moon-themed pins. Tuesdays, I wear fire-themed pins. Wednesdays, I wear tree-themed pins. Thursdays, Lightning..."

And as she babbled on about the days and the themed hair accessories she wears, I thought, this was the first true conversation we've had even though we've known each other for a few months.

Then she looked at me as if she's never seen me before and asked if we've met long ago.

I just stared back at her.

But this was the beginning of the change in my life...but anyway, a serious response from her was a shock. And frankly, it scared me a little inside.

The next day, she wore shorter hair. Even thought it was Thursday, the lightning pins were nowhere to be seen. And, again...it scared me. Much more than the serious response. Isn't cutting her hair after I pointed it out a bit hasty?

And she said "Not really".

Talking to her became an everyday activity. I asked her about her dumping all the guys she went out with quicky. And she replied, as if it were an everyday occurence, that they were all uninteresting and merely human. She said she spent middle school "irritated".

My legs tell me to do so, but...I mustn't run away.

But, my mouth moves faster than my legs, and asked her what kind of guy she wanted.

She replied, "An alien, an angel, demon, secret society member...someone along those lines. As long as it isn't ordinary, a guy or girl will do."

"What's so wrong about normal humans?" I foolishly asked, immediately wishing I'd kept my mouth shut.

"Aren't other lifeforms more fun?"

I...couldn't respond.

At the lunch bell, I noticed her running off, but Toji quickly ran to me and asked what kind of magic I used to make Kirishima talk so much.

Actually, I don't know either. I was just asking her what was on my mind.

Kensuke walked up to us and said "Yeah, but Shinji's always liked weird girls."

"Don't say things that could be taken differently, ship-lover."

"Fuck you, too" replied Kensuke.

"But I'd like to know how you made her talk as well, Ikari-kun."

I turned around and saw the class rep, Hikari Horaki.

"Kirishima-san never talks to me no matter how hard I try. How'd you get her to talk?"

"I have no idea." I replied.

"In any case, it's good even if she only talks to you. Seeing her being isolated from the rest of the class isn't good. At least she made a friend."

"Friend, huh?"

"Keep it up, and maybe she'll open up to the rest of the class."

She smiled, and walked away. I could tell Toji was staring at her butt.

Seating arrangement changes. Finally. Maybe I'll be rid of that insane girl. My new seat was in the back, second to last, near the window. Perfect. Goodbye, Mana!

But, as fate would have it, who would pick the seat right behind me? That's right, my dear viewers...Mana Kirishima.

I asked if she joined any interesting clubs. Again, like a lamb to a slaughter. Stupid mouth. Stop going against my brain.

She said none. Totally none. Absolutely none. There WAS a Mystery Research club, but they never encountered anything remotely close to the supernatural. All of its members were just fanatics and none would fit the "detective" criteria required...at least by Mana.

"Goddammit, so many clubs and not an interesting one. You'd think there would be at least one weird one!"

"You can't do anything if one doesn't exist. Maybe it's just as well, hm?"

I would regret saying those words only minutes from saying them.

She suddenly stood up and took my arm. She said she was forming her OWN club!

"Mana...it's wonderful you figured this out, but we're in the middle of class."

Wouldn't you know it? On the first break, she dragged me out and told me to help her build her club. It's scary what she puts her mind to.

I asked what kind of club this was. She responded "it doesn't matter, making it was the first priority".

I want to run away now. I really do.

The next break...she found an empty room. Well, not exactly empty. It was the Poetry Clubroom, but all the members graduated...except for one.

One single member of the Poetry Club remained. Her name was Rei Ayanami.

She said it was fine with her if Mana's new club set up in the room.

The next day, I went on ahead (ahead on?) and went in the new clubroom. As usual, Rei was there.

I tried striking up a conversation with her, but like yesterday, she responded with one-word sentences. She also looked very familiar...

While that thought was in my head, Mana burst in with her new victim...err, I mean...recruit.

Another girl. Redheaded, but natural unlike Mana. Strikingly beautiful. Obviously not Japanese.

She asked what she was doing here and...is Mana locking the door?

"I'll introduce you!" Mana burst out suddenly. "This is Asuka Langley Soryu."

...was that it? Just say her name?

"Where did you abduct her from?" I asked.

"I didn't abduct her. She voluntarily came along when I dragged her by her arm."

Same difference.

"She's a second-year student. I go through the entire school during breaks, so I've spotted her a few times."

And that's what she was doing while she disappeared during breaks. Mentally recruiting people for this farce of a club. I would run away if not for the door being locked, I would.

"So...Asuka-san, yes? Why did you choose her to be a member?"

"She is half-german, half-japanese. That's pretty unusual! Plus, we need a cute girl for sex appeal. In strange stories, there's always a young lolita-esque girl for sex appeal, so why not the club?"

Dear God, she sounds like a kidnapper.

"And Look, her boobs are bigger than mine!"

She then grabbed Asuka's breasts from behind. Asuka writhed, powerless, begging to be let go.

I'd help, but...I'm kinda enjoying this.

Finally, I separated them.

"But...they're really big! Especially for her age!"

"Stop it," I said.

"Touch them!"

Stop tempting me, Mana. The poor girl looks scared to death already.

"So...your basis for recruiting Asuka-san is because she's cute and she has big breasts."

"Yep."

SO sounds like a kidnapper.

"Asuka-chan, are you in any other clubs?" asked Mana.

"Umm...well, I'm in the Calligraphy club to learn more Kanji..."

"Quit that. Our club would take up all your free time."

"B...but I need to learn more Kanji!"

Then Asuka laid her eyes on Rei. Rei looked back. It was like an unspoken conversation.

"I'll quit the club for this one."

What the...I looked at Rei, hoping to see what kind of weird conversation I could have with her without words, but she'd already gone back to writing poetry.

"But what does the Poetry Club do?" asked Asuka.

"We aren't the Poetry Club. We're just using their room," replied Mana.

"This club, yet unnamed, is Kirishima's creation," I continued. "And we'll participate in as yet unknown activities. Furthermore, that girl sitting there is the only actual member of the Poetry Club, but apparently doesn't mind that we're here."

"Ah, but we have a name!" Mana spoke up.

Brace yourselves, Folks. This'll be a good one. The club name has been decided, with no feedback from other club members!

"NERV!", she proudly exclaimed.

Apparently, standing for "New Extraterrestrial Recruitment Vehicle". Shocking, isn't it?

NERV for short. Feel free to laugh. Please?

No one still has any clue as to what this club is supposed to do.

It's going to be a long four years...

I really wish I could run away.

_The End?_


	2. The Melancholy of Shinji Ikari II

Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Gainax. The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya is authored by Nagaru Tanigawa and the Anime is being made by Kyoto Animation. I do not own them, nor do I claim to. If I did, I wouldn't be doing this shit.

Author's Note: And it looks like I'll be continuing this. Sporadically.

_"Right now, what Jesus would do is go kill some suckers." - Jesus Christ_

The next day, as if by instinct, I found myself in front of the commandeered Poetry Clubroom. Quite possibly, I was led there to see if Asuka-chan had arrived. That sweet, innocent girl, how dare Kirishima drag her into this NERV nonsense?

I opened the door, expecting that wonderfully voluptuous redhead.

Instead I find only Rei Ayanami. Typical. It's like she's some sort of furniture.

Speaking of furniture, I noticed that the Clubroom now had a stove. Kirishima's doing, I'd guess. Is she planning on living here?

And why isn't Rei saying anything about this?

"I have officially joined this club as well, Ikari."

...did she just read my mind?

The door opened, and thank the various gods, it was Asuka.

"H...hello, everyone."

Ah, sweet Asuka. You don't deserve to be cooped up in this crazy Club. Run! Run away!

But, reality has a stranglehold on fantasy.

No, wait. Those are Mana's hands on Asuka's breasts again.

"Do I pick 'em, or what?"

Placing my face in my hand, I just mumbled, "You sure do."

I sighed and looked out the window. "So, what's the agenda for today?"

"Why, a recruitment drive, of course!"

------------------------------------------

**The Melancholy of Shinji Ikari**

------------------------------------------

And so I find myself handing out NERV fliers. It was either me or Asuka. And I wouldn't want her alone with Mana. Who knows what Mana will make her do to get attention?

Try not to think of it. Just hand out fliers. Fliers that don't have information about the club itself because our wonderful leader hadn't figured those little details out yet.

"Hmm...this club sounds interesting."

I was jarred for a minute, not really believing that someone would find a club with no set goals interesting, and before me was this...rather effeminate young man with striking red eyes and white hair.

"Uhh...are you an Albino?" I blurted out. Stop it, mouth.

Surprisingly, he laughed. "If you wish, Ikari-kun."

"You know me?" I asked.

"Of course. I'm in your class."

Then why haven't I noticed him before? You just can't miss a Japanese albino.

"Rather, I will transfer tomorrow. My name is Kaworu Nagisa," he said as he extended his hand. "I was just visiting today to speak with the homeroom teacher, Miss Katsuragi."

I shook his hand, which was surprisingly smooth. Was that lotion I smell?

"I'll pop in tomorrow at your clubroom. I'll see you there," he said with a wink.

I stood there for a few moments and took it in. Did I just recruit a new member of NERV? Did I drag yet another unfortunate soul into this pit of despair?

A hard slap to the back by Mana brought me back from my reverie.

"Good! Looks like you found us a new member! Let's quit for today."

I looked at her, dumbfounded.

"But that Kaworu guy was the only person who joined!"

"You're the one who's always telling me that even small victories can be huge. If even one person joined, it would be a victory. Now let's gather all the fliers and pack up for the day."

Yes, my dear viewers, Mana had me photocopy 150 fliers just to recruit one person. With my money, too.

Great, my parents will have a fit.

The next day, I opened the door, and walked into Mana undressing Asuka.

Against my hormones, I shut the door again after Asuka screamed.

Well, not so much "screamed" as "squealed".

My mind raced. Why would Mana be undressing Asuka like that?

From the sound of it, Asuka was still struggling.

My ear still against the door and certain parts of me going against my better judgment, someone tapped my shoulder and I spun around.

Yes, in that state.

It was Kaworu.

"Well, seems you're happy to see me, Shinji-kun," he smiled.

"I...it's not like that!" I blurted out.

"Sure, it isn't," he said, with a weird look in his eyes.

"It's safe to come in now, Shinji," came Mana's voice from within the clubroom.

I've never been happier to hear her voice. Quickly fumbling with the door, I opened it to a wondrous sight. Perhaps slightly more than when I came in with Asuka in her underwear.

There she was, the poor creature of loveliness, wearing a rather skimpy French maid outfit, crying a little.

"Like it, Shinji?" said Mana. "I sewed it myself!"

Apparently in Mana's size. And plans stolen from some porno somewhere.

"Why don't you wear that outfit instead if you sewed it?"

"I'm not loli enough, silly boy."

I had to say, she was right.

"Why don't you wear the outfit, Shinji?" asked Kaworu.

I turned to look at him slowly, still unsure as to what he just said.

"Nah, it wouldn't fit," replied Mana. "You must be out new recruit!"

"Kaworu Nagisa. Charmed to meet you all."

He then spotted Rei near the back, and their eyes met. The same look of silent conversation as with Rei and Asuka yesterday.

"Asuka, prepare some tea, please," said Mana.

"H-hai!" said Asuka meekly.

"Hold on, she's not your maid!" I said, Mana's words shaking me out of the weird vibes between Kaworu and Rei.

Asuka grabbed the hem of my sleeve and looked into my eyes.

"It's OK, Shinji."

I gulped. How can I say no to her? Especially in that outfit.

"So, what DOES this club do?" asked Kaworu.

Good question. I'd like to know that myself.

Mana was quiet for a few moments, as if making up the mission statement right on the spot.

She smiled and said this.

Oh, you better believe you better brace yourself.

"NERV is a club dedicated to the search for strange happenings in and around campus. We will hand out fliers, post the mission statement on the bulletin board, and wait for someone to come to us. Simple, yes?"

I just stared at her a few moments and started to say "That is the most--"

"...brilliant idea for a club!" continued Kaworu.

Then I stared at him.

Mana beamed. "Isn't it?"

No, it isn't!

But I could see I wasn't going to win this argument. No one can win an argument against Mana Kirishima, at least that, I learned.

While Mana and Kaworu talked to flesh out details of what the Club should do, and with Asuka waiting to refill their tea, I didn't even notice Rei standing behind me and whispering in my ear.

"Meet me in the Gym Storage," she said.

Wait...we've barely talked and she wants me in the gym storage? She's a fast worker.

She discreetly left the room, which wasn't hard for her to do but my exit was much more noticeable.

Stupid hormones. Maybe she just wants to talk. But I have heard about those little escapades into the gym storage.

I still followed.

She went in first, and when she saw that the coast was clear, she motioned for me to follow her into the musty room.

"Umm...Rei, what did you want?"

She said nothing as she locked the door. My mind raced. Was this girl freakier than she seemed?

"Ikari-kun. I need to tell you something very important."

"S-sure."

Rei walked past me and sat on the chair at the other end of the room.

"No one in the NERV club aside from you, Ikari-kun, is a normal human."

Well, I knew this.

I waited for more clarification, but it seemed she was waiting for me to speak before explaining it.

"...well?" I finally said. "I know everyone's a little...off. Why did you drag me here to tell me that?"

"You do not understand, Ikari-kun. Perhaps I should clarify."

"You're not gonna tell me that you're some sort of alien, now are you?"

Rei raised her eyebrow. "You have guessed correctly, Ikari-kun."

"Wait...what?"

She nodded. "Yes. I am an alien. Nagisa and Soryu are not, however. They will tell you what they are on their own time, for it is not my place to say."

"Come on, Rei, are you serious?"

"I am."

"Then show me your true form."

"Very well."

She started taking her clothes off, but I interrupted her.

"Whoa, wait...were you really serious?"

"I am always serious. I was sent here by the supreme being to look after an anomaly in this universe," she explained as she re-buttoned her white shirt. "That anomaly is Mana Kirishima. Something triggered her latent reality-altering abilities. With her being discovered as a Maximoff-level reality alterer but with no control over her powers, she needed to be observed."

"I...see."

"The formation of this NERV club has been deemed necessary to keep Kirishima occupied so that she would not alter reality unconsciously, so I altered the school's mainframe and took this form, which I chose, modeled after your mother so you could speak with me. However, you did not take notice of me, so I, in your words, dragged you here."

"Oooooooooookay, this is getting...wait, you chose to look like my mother? So that's why you looked so familiar! Oh, God, and I had fantasies about you while we were walking towards here and..."

Rei raised her eyebrow. "You thought I brought you to this room to procreate?"

"That's not the point, Rei!"

I felt so dirty.

"I apologize. In hindsight, choosing this form might not have been suitable. I shall change it if you wish."

"No...no, everyone knows you in that form, so just...keep it. But why are you telling me this?"

"Because, Ikari-kun...you are the trigger. The cause of her reality-altering powers activating."

Oh, somehow this is my fault now.

"So, what do you propose I do? Keep her occupied?"

"Correct."

Why did I get a feeling she'd say that?

"You must encourage Club activities. I cannot interfere, for my own reality-altering powers work on a different level. If I change something it will have a backlash somewhere else in the world."

"And Mana can do as she please?"

"If her subconscious wills it so."

I pondered this for awhile when the entire school shook from an explosion.

Rei and I looked at each other, then quickly ran back toward the Clubroom.

The others were already looking out the window toward the city.

"Look!" squealed Mana. "It looks like an alien is invading the city!"

And it certainly looked like an alien. It was huge, almost a hundred feet tall, black, with a grey face and a red sphere that looked like it was lodged in its chest.

"Quick, let's get a closer look!" said Mana as she ran out the door.

"Don't go out, it might be...dangerous."

But it was too late. I was alone in the room.

Can this day get any weirder?

To Be Continued


	3. The Melancholy of Shinji Ikari III

Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Gainax. The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya is authored by Nagaru Tanigawa and the Anime is being made by Kyoto Animation. I do not own them, nor do I claim to. If I did, I wouldn't be doing this shit.

_"I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32 approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in 'reality'. And reality has a well-known liberal bias." - Stephen Colbert_

What the hell am I doing?

One minute, I'm talking to the queen of silence herself, Rei Ayanami, and she's telling me she's an alien.

The next, I'm following my club mates straight to see the giant alien that suddenly appeared stomping through the city.

I can hear the jets fly overhead. They're probably carrying missiles. And I can't believe everyone's still running straight toward the alien.

All I can think of is, there must be a perfectly normal explanation for all this. Maybe this is some new species of animal.

That happened to be a hundred feet tall and vaguely humanoid...God, I must be delirious.

Suddenly, about three people in front of me, Mana stopped. And so did everyone.

"Shinji."

"What?" I squeaked as I stared at the alien, who seemed to have noticed us.

"Hand me your pellet gun."

------------------------------------------

**The Melancholy of Shinji Ikari**

------------------------------------------

Did she say what I think she just said?

"I said, hand me the BB gun you were showing those other two stooges at lunch. I know you have it on you."

I hate it when she remembers these things.

"You're not gonna shoot it, are you?" I jokingly said.

"Of course. Once we kill this alien, our club's gonna be so famous, everyone's going to have to join us!"

Oh, of course. Brilliant, Mana. Except everyone's probably hiding and the only people that are out are us and the military.

I looked over at Asuka. She's trying to put on a brave face, but I can see her knees shaking.

I looked over at Kaworu and Rei. They were sharing another look. And it's eerie, their eyes. I should ask if they're related.

Rei stepped closer to me. She didn't say a word, but I can see in her eyes that she wanted me to give Mana the BB gun.

Can't question the other alien. So I reluctantly handed it to Mana.

Kaworu and Rei nodded at each other as Mana took aim. Rei spoke incredibly fast. I was sure Mana couldn't hear her, but Asuka, Kaworu and I could.

She was changing reality.

Mana took aim at the red sphere which seemed to be the alien's core. I mean, come on. I've watched enough Anime to know this much.

She fired.

The pellet then shot out at an incredible rate of speed, piercing through the alien's core.

The alien was stunned. So was I.

Shockingly, Mana didn't look stunned. In fact, it looked like she expected it.

The alien fell down on its knees and finally collapsed on a building.

Taking back the BB gun, I pondered what to do next. We just killed an alien who destroyed a bunch of buildings with the help of yet another alien, and even though no one saw Mana shoot, sticking around would just attract unwanted attention from the authorities.

"We should go home. All of us," I suggested. "We can come back for our things when we come back to school."

"I agree," said Rei, with Asuka and Kaworu nodding approval. Mana just grumbled.

"I'll take Asuka home," I volunteered. Mana leered at me.

"Fine, just don't go raping her."

Idiot. You're far more liable to rape her than I would.

We went our separate ways, Kaworu taking Mana and Rei home, while Asuka and I walked alone.

"Umm...now that we're alone, I need to tell you something..." said Asuka meekly.

I stopped walking and stared at her.

"I don't belong in this time period."

...what?

"I've only been in this time period since last year. I come from the future, but I'm forbidden to reveal more details about the future to people from this time period."

Wait...has the constant trauma of being undressed by Mana gotten to the poor girl's brain?

"I was sent here because of a time anomaly that was to occur three days ago. I was to observe it, and I have. That event was the creation of NERV by Mana Kirishima."

First, Rei, now Asuka. Is everyone else besides me not a normal human?

"Ah, I'm sorry, this may seem like a shock to you."

"Yes, it is," I said truthfully. "But why are you telling me?

"My Nazi overlords have determined that you are the cause of Mana's formation of NERV."

I knew I shouldn't have suggested...did she just say "Nazi overlords"? It's best if I don't ask...

"The Fuhrer has instructed me to only observe and to work with Rei Ayanami to keep Mana from being bored."

"Or she'll change reality to her whim."

Asuka nodded "You've been briefed by Ayanami, I see."

"It's all just so unbelievable."

Not to mention contrived. I expect Kaworu will be the next to tell me what his mission is. Why does everyone have to come out to me?

"I understand," she said. "This is where I live. Thank you for walking me home and listening to me."

How can I refuse?

I said my goodbyes and started walking home. Oh, boy. I can't wait to see the headlines tomorrow. 'Giant Alien Found Dead In Downtown Tokyo-3'.

I only hope no one saw us. Despite what Mana thinks, this incident will only bring us headaches. Government officials questioning us. How do we explain that the terminal velocity of a plastic pellet was enhanced several times over by our companion, the blue-haired humanoid alien who looks suspiciously like my mother?

Speaking of which, there was an uneasy silence during dinner.

The next day, I was surprised to see everything was normal. Not one news item that I could see even mentioned something large appearing in Tokyo-3.

My parents didn't mention anything during dinner last night or breakfast today. My father just went on complaining about work, and my mother was just listening, commenting every once in awhile, which was weird.

I asked several people I ran into during the walk to school if they heard anything about anything big happening downtown. There was nothing.

The day continued on as normal, until the end of the day, where I found myself hesitating to open the door of the NERV clubroom.

I knocked, expecting Asuka to say "Yes?" and let me in. But of course, disappointment set in when there were only two other people in the room: Kaworu and Rei.

Well. Might as well get it over with.

"Kaworu, do you need to tell me something about Mana?"

He just smiled and nodded.

"Rei was just telling me about your talk with her. And I presume Asuka has told you about herself."

I nodded. Time-travelling redhead half-japanese Nazis and Aliens. And I could just imagine what Kaworu was. Aside from being a little off.

"You remember the incident last night with the huge alien that Mana dispatched with the help of Rei here."

Finally, someone remembers.

"Rei had to expend a whole lot of energy, but the memories of everyone but NERV club members have been altered. No one outside our group knows about the alien."

You'd think I'd be surprised, but with what I witnessed last night, I was ready for anything.

"That alien is called an Angel. In fact, he is the third Angel that has visited Earth. The first Angel was called Adam, and his awakening caused the melting of the south pole, and not a meteor strike as the history books have claimed. Our homeroom teacher, Miss Katsuragi, was a witness to that event. What Angels want to do is to end the world by enslaving the Catalyst and making it do their bidding."

I listened carefully to every word Kaworu was saying, glancing every so often at Rei, who didn't react.

"Shinji, this might come as a shock to you, but I am an Angel in human form. I am a rogue Angel, and I watch over the Catalyst, whom you know as Mana Kirishima, and preventing the Angels from getting to her."

Sure, why not?

He just smiled. "You don't look surprised."

"Not at all," I said. "But I have to ask something."

"Go ahead."

"Why me?"

This'll be good.

"Truth be told, you're more extraordinary than Mana. Don't get me wrong. You ARE an ordinary human, but you woke her up. You're the cause of her reality-altering powers being awakened. To be more frank, you woke up a God."

See that, Mana? Not a week into creating this club, you have people calling you a god.

"Well, not exactly a god, but a godling. A seed which I would like to see mature, as do Asuka and Rei. All of us have to see that Mana doesn't get bored and restructure reality to her whim, and to also protect her from the Angels that have unfortunately started to attack. You, Shinji, are special, because you are the only person she will really listen to."

"Fat chance," I replied. "She does what she wants. When have I influenced her to do something against her will?"

Kaworu smiled and looked at Rei, who, for the first time since I met her, gave the slightest of smiles.

"Don't you remember? You gave her the idea to create NERV."

I was shocked. Even more so than the revelation that Asuka, Kaworu, Rei and especially Mana were not normal humans. To think that I could influence a godling?

"But you have to remember this...she must never realize how important she is. Any stimuli that affects her negatively could trigger the end of the world."

Just heap the fate of the world on my shoulders, thank you very much.

"What about the other Angels? And why did you leave them?" I asked.

"Unfortunately, Rei's actions have attracted the attention of the other Angels. However, they won't make such an extravagant entrance as the third did," Kaworu explained. "However, they will attack, and without notice. So all of us should stick beside her. As for myself? I have my own reasons."

"And you're not going to tell me."

He smiled and winked at me. "Maybe over dinner."

I stood there dumbfounded, when Mana burst in the door. I've never been happier to see her.

"Hey, everyone! I've got great news!"

But then again...

To Be Continued


	4. Close Encounters of the Theological Kind

Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Gainax. The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya is authored by Nagaru Tanigawa and the Anime is being made by Kyoto Animation. I do not own them, nor do I claim to. If I did, I wouldn't be doing this shit.

_"Yay, now is fighty time, fighty time, blood, blood, blood." - Wade Wilson _

So, here comes Mana, bursting in with great news. I'm so excited, I could jump out the window. I really could.

"Because of our unbridled success in taking down the Alien, I put up NERV posters on every single bulletin board in the school."

Mana handed me the poster. Oh, just terrific. It said:

The NERV Club: New Extraterrestrial Recruitment Vehicle

Join the Ultra Awesome NERV Club!

Be a part of the Club that was part of that incident that no one talks about!

You know what we mean!

Look for us at the former Poetry Clubroom.

(But only if you're not a normal human)

Or if you have a case that needs solving,

We're your club!

"I made this poster during Lunch after I noticed no one was talking about the Alien incident," she beamed.

Mana, you genius, you just made us look like fools and made sure no one else will join this stupid club! Thank the various deities that Rei erased everyone's memory of the event except ours.

"This is wonderful, Mana. I'm sure you'll get cases to solve and members to unfortunately turn down!" said Kaworu.

Kiss-ass.

Then, a knock came on the door.

Could this improbable scheme really work? Or is it my poor, abused Asuka?

Oh, thank heavens, it is Asuka. She froze at the sight of Mana, but otherwise, she made her greetings.

But like a hawk, when her back was turned, Mana attacked her. Kaworu stood up and left, and I followed.

While Mana was busy undressing Asuka behind the closed door, Hikari Horaki, the class rep, walked up to us with the NERV poster in her hand.

"Ah, Horaki-san," I began, already trying to form an excuse for the poster, but she cut me off.

"Ikari-kun, I need to speak with you later, but it seems you're busy," she said, noting Asuka's squals behind the door.

"Well, not really," I said.

She shook her head and noticed Kaworu in her peripheral vision. "I wish to talk with you about this NERV club and Kirishima's behavior. We'll talk in this room," she said, handing me a piece of paper with a room number.

I'm not Mana's representative, I told you that!

She gave Kaworu a weird look, and walked on.

"What was that about?" I thought aloud.

"Maybe she wants you all for herself," said Kaworu with a hint of sadness in his voice. "Shame, I hope she'd share."

Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

------------------------------------------

**The Melancholy of Shinji Ikari**

------------------------------------------

After everyone went home and had some of Asuka's wonderful tea (as well as Asuka's wonderful Maid outfit), I stuck around and volunteered to lock the room. This was mostly because of Horaki-san's insistence that we meet about the Club.

Oh, was I ready to go off about Mana's eccentricities. Maybe she could get the club shut down, I thought as I stopped in front of the room where Horaki-san asked me to meet her.

I knocked, and her voice said "come in".

She was alone in the room, the light of sunset fading.

"Could you make this quick? I need to get home before dark."

"This will be quick," she replied. "I just wanted to ask you a few questions about Mana."

But I explained it already.

"Listen, I have no idea how I do it...or even why...but if you want to talk to Mana, do it yourself."

As I turned to open the door, she spoke.

"I want to know how Mana killed the Angel yesterday."

I froze. How could Horaki know about the Alien if Rei erased everyone's memories? And she also called it an angel. Kaworu used that term.

I turned back around, and I noticed that the room had changed into nothingness. White nothingness. Like a clichéd American movie. What the hell is going on?

"I can read your thoughts, Ikari-kun. What's going on is that I've cut us off from reality. I've taken us three steps away from your perceived reality into what you call 'Limbo'."

"W...what do you intend to do to me?"

"It seems you've figured me out," she grinned. "I am an Angel. I've been observing you and Kirishima since the beginning of the school year. You know this, and I did not hide my intentions. And now, because I have decided to kill you."

"Kill me? I thought you Angels only targeted Kirishima?"

"Oh, but I am presented with an opportunity. If Mana find out that you've died, what would her reaction be? By the way you two have stuck by each other, I'd imagine she would be depressed. I could console her and thereby use her for our plan to restructure reality to our whim. But enough talk. You've breathed long enough."

It looked as if her hands melted. Then they turned into...tentacles?

I do NOT like where this is going.

Looking around for options on where to hide, I found several chairs, a couple of desks, and little else. And then that stupid courageous streak hit me. I grabbed a chair and threw it.

She just slapped it away with those tentacles.

I'm so dead. I'm gonna close my eyes now.

There's behind me. Great, she's attacking me from behind? Then she put a hand on my shoulder.

"Just stab me already, Geez!"

"Maybe later," said a familiar voice.

I opened my eyes and spun around. It was Kaworu and Rei!

I've never been happier to see them.

Looking past me at the approaching Hikari-with-tentacles, Kaworu's expression suddenly turned serious.

"It's been a long time, Shamshel."

Recognition flashed on Hikari's face. "Tabris! I knew I recognized your stench when I saw you earlier."

"Cute."

"Traitor," hissed Hikari, pointing a tentacle at Kaworu. "How dare you stray from the mission and protect that girl and that boy!"

"They're more important than just tools for your benefit, you selfish bitch," snarled Kaworu. "They're more to me than people I protect. Even though I've known them for a short time, they're my friends. And though you are my brothers and sisters, all of you haven't shown friendship for one another."

Hikari laughed humorlessly. "Friendship? Is that your reason? You've grown soft."

Kaworu's hand formed into a gun. Looks like he's been reading Trigun.

Rei stood in front of me and looked back. "We will protect you."

I only nodded, curious to see how two Angels fight.

And, surprisingly, it looked like a Dragonball Z fight. I couldn't see anything except flashes of light. I was about to ask what Rei could see when she told me that each "normal" person sees the fight differently.

Gee, I wonder what she's trying to say.

It took awhile. Or maybe my perception of time was skewed. I don't know. But it felt like a long-as time of just flashes of colliding light and sonic booms.

Suddenly, silence.

In front of myself and Rei rolled Hikari's severed head.

Sensing my rising fear, Rei told me to calm myself down. "She is still alive."

Yeah, with her head cut? And how did her head get cut off with Kaworu wielding an arm gun?

"She is quite right, Ikari-kun," said the head. "I have lost this fight."

Kaworu walked toward us, smiling. "I'm sorry your vision had to be so graphic, Shinji, but it is your own fault. I've severed Shamshel's link to this dimension."

Hikari's headless body followed, and picked up its own head.

"The others will figure out that you defeated me sooner or later," she said. She turned to Kaworu. "This isn't over. Far from it." And she faded away.

The Classroom returned to being a classroom.

"Are you OK?" asked Kaworu.

"Just some scrapes."

He smirked. "I COULD check more thoroughly..."

No thanks.

"You should go home," said Rei. "We'll take care of things here. Do not concern yourself, we will keep a low profile."

I could sense Kaworu's disappointment.

I walked home in a daze. I didn't remember eating dinner that night.

The next day, the school was abuzz with news of the sudden transfer of Hikari to the United States.

So much for keeping things low-profile. But at least Rei repaired the trashed classroom perfectly...though I shudder to think what the repair's butterfly effect could be.

Mana bugged me all day. She wanted to investigate Hikari's disappearance.

Speaking of the butterfly effect...oh, this is doing more harm than good.

My only shining light this day was that note Asuka left me in my locker.

Why did she want to meet me alone in the clubroom during lunch? Stop from racing, mind. She may just want to talk.

I knocked on the door, expecting silence from Rei silently reading her usual book, but I was surprised to hear Asuka's voice shouting "Come in!".

I've never heard her raise her voice above a whisper. And she sounded a little annoyed. I opened the door.

Huh. No Rei.

But there was Asuka...in...a...very skintight red outfit.

"Baka, stop staring at my tits!" she shouted, slapping me.

It then occurred to me that this was probably not the Asuka I know.

To Be Continued


	5. The Disappearance of Mana Kirishima I

Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Gainax. The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya is authored by Nagaru Tanigawa and the Anime is being made by Kyoto Animation. I do not own them, nor do I claim to. If I did, I wouldn't be doing this shit.

**Author's Note: **Sadly, the next chapter **_WILL_** be the last. It was a nice little experiment and I'd love to read further explorations of Evangelion characters in the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya context, but this fic has been a very, very fun experiment for me personally.

"_She thinks she can beat me. But the bald lady forgot one thing. I'm the best at what I do. And what I do...is so terribly pretty!" - James Howlett_

The sting of the slap was gone, but she was still ranting.

It looked like Asuka, but it quite obviously wasn't any Asuka I know.

"Who are you?" I asked.

The put her hands on her hips. Oh, boy.

"What do you mean? You had me put on this stupid time travel outfit – which I don't really think helps with the time travel process – and sent me back. God, didn't you get your note from your future self?"

I just stared at her.

"You didn't get it?"

I continued staring at her.

"...God, did your future self send me in the wrong dimension? Tell me...where does Fuhrer Gore live today? Your father, Vice Commandant Ikari?"

"Gore? He made a movie about Global Warming. And my dad works for the government, " I replied.

She looked liked she was going to explode.

"You mean in this universe, Bush won the American election of 2000!"

I weakly nodded.

She looked at the ceiling and screamed, "SHINJI, YOU IDIOT!"

------------------------------------------

**The Melancholy of Shinji Ikari**

------------------------------------------

"S-Sorr...hey, why the hell do I have to apologize to you for? You're the one who slapped me, and I'm not the Shinji you should be mad at!"

"How dare you talk back to me?"

I closed my eyes, calming myself and trying not to let out an endless stream of obscenities at her.

"Listen, Asuka. It looks like my self in your dimension screwed up. Just tell me what you need to tell me, and we won't have any problems."

She raised her eyebrow.

Oh, was that the wrong thing to say.

"Even in other dimensions, Shinjis always run away from the problems at hand. I didn't get to ask Wondergirl if she's explained her identity since I kicked her out, but since you're not shocked at anything I'm saying, I'll assume my self in this dimension has."

I nodded, only noting that she called Rei "Wondergirl".

"OK, here's the score...I'm not allowed to reveal any details, but I'll assume that this happens in every Dimension. Something will happen tomorrow that will change everything you know. You will have to make a decision that will shape the future to come. I was sent back to warn you, because it's in the history books that I did. That's it. What you do with the warning is up to you."

"...are you kidding? Who am I to change the world?"

"You idiot, hasn't it been hammered to you by Kaworu? Mana chose you for a reason, and tomorrow, you'll find out why. That's all I'm allowed to say."  


An uneasy silence fell on the room. It looked like she was pondering what to say to me. I was just observing her and how different she was from the Asuka I know. She wasn't the sweet, innocent girl I know, but definitely the same figure.

She must have noticed me looking at her and swung her hand to slap me, but I caught her by the wrist.

"Dammit," she muttered as she pulled her hand away. "I wish my dimension's Shinji had half the spine you do."

It was my turn to raise an eyebrow.

"God, he's spineless. Cute, but utterly spineless. I wish he'd just stand up for himself every once in awhile. You? You speak your mind. I like that."

Oh, if only.

"I have to go back. My role is done," she said. "Tch...going back to Spineless Wimp Shinji's going to suck."

That's still an aspect of me you're talking about, Oi.

She opened the door and said "Don't get close to my self in this dimension" before disappearing into the corridor with a cross-shaped flash (how is that even physically possible?). I stood there, processing what she said when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I jumped.

"Gah! Don't DO that!"

"I apologize," said Rei, back from wherever she hung out when Alternate Future Asuka kicked her out of the NERV Clubroom. "She was...unpleasant to be around."

"I dunno," I replied. "She found me cute."

Rei just raised her eyebrow. Hey, she was the one who told me so. At least her dimension's me.

Later that day, I saw this world's Asuka and decided to walk home with her. I managed to ask her out (ignoring the Alternate Asuka's warning, but whatever), but we were interrupted by a cough behind us.

I turned around long enough to see the top of Mana's head huffing.

I yelled at her, "It's not what it looks like!"

Oh, boy, was this the wrong thing to say.

I was afraid to look back at Asuka.

But she was gone.

Shit.

I'll have to ask her again tomorrow, if she'll even talk to me.

I wondered if this event was what Alternate Asuka warned me about.

Dinner with my parents seemed normal enough, though Alternate Future Asuka's revelation that my dad was a Nazi plagued me through the dinner conversation.

I woke up the next day feeling strangely better than I have in a long time.

When I got into the classroom, I was in for a surprise. No Mana. She never missed a day of school.

School passed, with no one taking notice of Mana's absence. I went to the NERV Clubroom out of habit. When I knocked on the door, Rei answered. Which was odd.

She looked at me without a hint of recognition on her face.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"Uhh...do you know why Mana didn't go to school today?

"I know of no Mana. Now please get out of the Poetry clubroom."

"What?"

I looked at the stencil on the door. Poetry club. The NERV logo taped on the door was gone.

"What's going on, Rei?" I asked, still confused. "You're the alien, tell me what's going on!"

She suddenly stoop up and slapped me.

"How dare you barge into the Poetry club, which sadly has only me in it, asking about a girl I don't even know, and calling me an alien on top of that?"

...did I slip into another dimension while I was sleeping?

I apologized and walked out of the clubroom in a daze. I went to Asuka's classroom, but she didn't recognize me either.

Which left me one other alternative.

This will be painful.

I went to Kaworu's classroom fully anticipating him to hit on me again, but thankfully, he didn't know me as well, or know of Mana.

What was going on?

We walked toward one of the lunch tables and detailed my visit to the clubroom and with Asuka there, omitting the references about Mana's reality-altering powers.

After my explanation, he looked at me.

"I can see from the confusion from your face that the disappearance of Kirishima-san is affecting you."

What?

"I mean, I have no idea who she is or why you're so intent on finding her. I'm just a bit jealous that no one's looking out for me the same way you're doing for her."

That didn't take long, but...

"I just don't like things not being the way they're supposed to be.", I said.

He looked up at the sky and sighed.

"No one does."

I looked at him quizzically.

"I mean it. No one likes things not going their way, or the way they're supposed to go. I read once that the price of getting what you want is getting what you once wanted. Meaning the chase is better than the goal."

"I don't like her that way!" I blurted out.

"Oh, I didn't mean to imply that you were in love with her..."

"I don't."

"Sure. But, what do you think will change if you do find her and everyone remembers her? You'd have the memory of this day that she disappeared, sure. But what would that mean to her? Don't be so selfish. Shinji-kun. Think about what she wants, too."

Then, he suddenly stood up and waved his hand as he walked away.

"If she does exist."

I sat there for awhile, thinking about what he said.

To Be Continued


	6. The Disappearance of Mana Kirishima II

Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Gainax. The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya is authored by Nagaru Tanigawa and the Anime is being made by Kyoto Animation. I do not own them, nor do I claim to. If I did, I wouldn't be doing this shit.

**Author's Note: ** Sorry these last chapters took so long. I was busy for the past month, and there was very little incentive for me to write. Enjoy this final chapter. Or not.

"_As a comedian you have to start a show strong and end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes, all exciting at first but at the end, you're fucking sick of 'em." - Mitchell Hedberg_

So, here I am, walking home from school. It's like Mana disappeared from the face of the Earth—no scratch that—it's as if she never existed in the first place.

I have to find her.

And as soon as this thought crossed my mind, I asked myself, why? She isn't anything to me besides an annoying classmate. An annoying, criminally hot classmate, but still!

Am I really in love with her like Kaworu was—wait, what am I thinking?

I know she's real. My memories are real. People just don't disappear without a trace and not have anyone ask where they were.

Luckily, I still remember her address from when I listed all the NERV members for the benefit of the school council. I quickly ran to her address...and there was an abandoned house there. From the looks of it, no one's been in there for years.

I climbed the fence, making sure no one was looking, and went through the unlocked door.

------------------------------------------

**The Melancholy of Shinji Ikari**

**------------------------------------------**

From the looks of things, the house hadn't been occupied in a long time. A thick layer of dust covered the abandoned house, and I had to cover my mouth from inhaling the dust I'd disturbed when I walked in.

What the hell is happening?

I carefully walked through the house, searching room by room, careful not to disturb more dust. It looked like whoever lived here just left in a hurry. The dining room was pristine, with plates and cutlery set.

The kitchen was worse. The smell of rotting food filled the air.

I went upstairs and went straight for the master bedroom. No one there, of course. The dressers were still packed with clothes.

Only one room left. I'll assume it's Mana's.

...is that a light I see through the cracks in the door? Impossible. There were no lights on when I went in...

I slowly opened the door.

What I was made me rub my eyes in disbelief. Nothing but a brilliant white coming out of the room. I felt drawn and stepped in the room. As was my habit, I turned to close the door, but it was gone.

I felt a wave of disorientation as I couldn't determine which was up or down or left or right. The only sure thing was that gravity worked and I fell on my hands and knees.

"Where am I?" I screamed desperately with no echo to tell me that I'm in an enclosed space.

I didn't know how long I laid there, staring at the ceiling (or is it the floor? I don't know anymore) when I heard Mana's voice telling me to quit whining.

I sat up, looking to see if it was really Mana or I've gone insane.

I saw nothing.

At first.

Then I sensed a presence behind me...in front of me...wherever I was not looking at at the time.

And there she was.

"You've been whining for awhile." she said.

"Where have you been? What happened? No one remembers you but me. What the hell --"

She interrupted me, mumbling out "Because I wished it to be like this."

"What? Why? I thought you were content with NERV getting notorious at school."

"God, you wouldn't understand, Shinji. I know that Kaworu, Asuka and Rei aren't from around here. Somehow I know. I don't know how, but I've been avoiding it all this time."

She stood up and looked away from me, staying silent for a few moments, thinking about what to say.

"I don't know how else to say this, so here goes. Ever since I was a child, I felt different. That's why I rarely make any friends. I got tired of my ordinary life...then I realized I could change things if I really wanted to.

"At first it was little things, but then I learned that if I concentrated hard enough, I could manipulate reality. But even then, it never made me happy. But then, about three years ago, I met you. You probably don't remember it, but it was at a summer festival. I was trying to use my abilities to win games, but you stopped me. You knew for some reason that I was using them, but I couldn't affect you with them. When I saw you again on the first day of school, I knew you were going to be trouble."

She was smirking when she turned around.

"I knew you wouldn't keep your hands off of Asuka. That's why I disappeared, so that you could have a chance. But you're here, so you obviously blew it."

I just stared at her.

"You didn't really think no one would notice you were gone, did you?"

She just nodded. "I made it that way. I figured you wouldn't miss me anyway. What the hell is with that annoyed look on your face?"

Oh, she notices!

"OF COURSE I'm annoyed! Even though I really don't like the way the NERV is going, it's still part of my routine now. Without you, NERV doesn't exist. Without you, I never met Asuka. Without you, I never met ANYONE, for that matter. You just expect to change reality, remove yourself and not have any repercussions? It doesn't work that way. An Asuka from another dimension even warned me of this.

"Listen...I don't know how you got your powers. I don't care. I just want you to come back and resume where we all left off. That's all I want, and I know deep in your heart that's what you really want. None of this supernatural stuff. We can exist in the real world without altering anything and still lead an exciting life. Hell, if you want, we can all go on a mysterious island cruise or go ghost-hunting every weekend. Just you, me, Asuka, Rei and Kaworu. Hell, bring in Toji and Kensuke if you want, those two are pretty damn harmless. All I'm saying is...we need to go back. You're important in the real world. You're somebody, even without your powers."

She turned her back on me, thinking about what I said. Wait, did I just say what I think I said? God, this blank whiteness must be getting to me more than I imagined, I'm getting too fucking philosophical for my own good.

She just shrugged.

"You know what? I'll just end the universe."

"What?"

"Hey, I don't like things normal, you like your boring life. Let's just end this."

She snapped her fingers, and that was it.

The End...?

The credits rolled and we all sat there dumbstruck.

"That was it?" I yelled at Mana. "You said you'd fix things post-production!"

She shrugged. "I lied."

"Do you realize we HAVE to show this in public tomorrow? It's full of plotholes and the first part looked like it was pulled off from some weird anime!"

"You're the only one complaining, Shinji."

I looked at Asuka, Rei and Kaworu, who just shrugged.

"Besides, Shinji," Mana stood up and got in my face, "who cares about originality these days?"

Mana took the reel from the projector as I looked at my companions, asking for at least one of them to protest, but to no avail.

...I think I'm going to cry.


	7. The Final Countdown

Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Gainax. The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya is authored by Nagaru Tanigawa and the Anime is being made by Kyoto Animation. I do not own them, nor do I claim to. If I did, I wouldn't be doing this shit.

**Author's Note: ** This is dedicated to the wonderful people who bitch about characterization.

"_They make me sad, and angry that the world does not yet understand how much the Dog hates the Human." - Warren Ellis_

I sat scratching my head, dumbfounded.

"Hey, Mana. Reviews of your movie are pouring in," I said, omitting any role I had in that fiasco.

She raised her eyebrow. "And?"

I stood up and motioned for her to sit on the computer chair to see for herself.

Oh, her face soured after each word indeed.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" she finally screamed.

I didn't even cringe. As horrible as the movie she made was, I had the same reaction.

"Not acting like they're supposed to? What do they mean? How were we SUPPOSED to act?!"

She sat there silent for a few moments and blurted out my name, and had me look up Wikipedia.

I didn't know what that would accomplish, since we don't have Wikipedia entries, but lo and behold, there they were.

I grumbled. Must have been an effect of Mana's powers.

I hate reality alterers.

I grumbled even more as I read on. I don't know what manner of parallel universe this entry is from, but I am decidedly NOT a spineless mother-obsessed wreck of a teenager. Asuka isn't a rampaging girl with mommy issues. Rei's...actually pretty much the same, but is my mother's clone, apparently. I'll throw up later when I get home and cry in the shower. Kaworu is as gay as always, surprisingly. And Mana's...decidedly not a pretty much normal girl.

And we don't ride on cloned angels to save the world.

Oh, I just caught a gleam in Mana's eye as she read the entries.

She had big ideas for a sequel, with proper characterization this time.

I'm tried very hard not to weep.

* * *

**The Melancholy of Shinji Ikari**

* * *

An unfamiliar ceiling.

Though day by day, it seems more welcome to me than the harsh realities I've been facing.

I am Shinji Ikari.

I am the pilot of Unit 01, for NERV. My Father runs the organization I work for. And I hate him.

I hate him for ruining my life.

I hate him for leaving me behind as if I were garbage.

I hate growing up.

I stood up and started toward the door. I could hear Misato drunkenly slurring something to Pen-Pen...or Asuka. Or maybe a plant.

No one ever visits us anyway except for Dr. Akagi, bringing a drunken Misato home from a night of drinking.

Always the same, always routine. I almost expect Asuka to burst out of her room and scream at me that she's going to use the bathroom.

I hear the slamming of her door. Just in time.

"Baka, I'm going to use the bathroom, and if you peek, I will murder you."

And she stalks off into the bathroom. She won't be back for awhile since she's most likely playing with shower attachments. So, to the task at hand.

"Misato-san, what do you want for breakfast?" I ask, knowing the answer would be a garbled mess, so I went about making our breakfast, and our lunches as well.

About 20 minutes later, Asuka came out of the bathroom quite refreshed and vivacious in her usual teal-and-white school uniform. You really wouldn't know it from looking at her, but she will probably tear your jugular off with her teeth if you looked at her wrong.

"Asuka, breakfast is ready," I informed her.

"I could smell it from the bathroom, Baka," she said unsurprisingly. "What kind of burnt abortion did you cook this time?"

Ouch.

"Well, there's scrambled eggs."

She took a bite and made a disagreeable face, which oddly looked cute but I would never, EVER voice my feelings for her or else she'd hurt me...which she does anyway, but I digress.

"S...sorry," I blurted out.

"Baka, stop apologizing! No girls like spineless wimps like you."

Double ouch.

"Ashkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa," mumbled out Misato, from her drunken haze. "Stop ha...har...harash...whatsh that word again, Shinji? Oh yeah, picking on the poor boy, Ashkaaaaaaaaaa. Once he growsh pubes, he'll be a reeeeeal man."

Triple ouch.

Later that day, I went over and talked to Rei. She's always been a quiet girl. Sometimes it feels useless talking to her, but when she responds, she's very cute. She's also a fellow Eva pilot...and she reminds me of someone...but I don't remember who.

"Why do you insist on talking to me, Pilot Ikari? I am not good at social situations," she said.

"Well," I continued, "maybe you just need to talk more, open up more, socially, then maybe more people would approach and talk to you, you know? I get worried about you sometimes."

"Which means he wants to get in your pants," said Asuka, butting in on our conversation. "I don't know why you bother with Wondergirl, she's not gonna socialize."

"I've got hope."

"We are all going to die anyway," said Rei, "whether of natural causes or during a fight with an Angel. We cannot change this, so socializing, for me, is out of the question."

And with that ringing endorsement of living life to its fullest, the bell rang and we went back to class.

I gazed out at the window and wondered when the next Angel was going to attack. There have been no attacks for awhile now, and the world's been reduced to a haze of melancholy and routine.

It was pretty much the same the next day...until our homeroom teacher informed us that there was a new exchange student.

She walked in.

Her name was Mana Kirishima, he said.

Our homeroom teached droned on about how she's transferred because her father's job required him to be closer to Tokyo-3...but his words were forgotten quickly when she opened her mouth and introduced herself.

There was nothing unremarkable about it at all, but her voice was just...wow.

She was probably the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I mean, yeah...Asuka's mixed ethnicity brought out the best of both worlds as it were, and Rei's got her own charms, but...there's just something about Mana.

Asuka was the relentless Spitfire in my life. Rei's cool, calculating, and smart. How my life revolves around those two (and Misato-san, but...I'd never think of her THAT way), I don't know.

But Mana...is somewhere in between those two extremes in personality. And I liked that medium.

After a couple of weeks, everyone got to know her better. I don't know if it's my early crush on her, but I notice her glancing at me, and when she sees me looking back, she looks away as if she merely turned her head.

But every once in awhile, she hesitates a little, and I see a little blush. Or maybe that's my imagination. I don't know.

"Ask her out, doofus," said Touji after I confined him about it during lunch a little later.

"Do it or I will," exclaimed Kensuke.

Touji cracked up.

Kensuke blushed rather noticeably.

"What are you gonna show her?" asked Touji. "Your collection of model battleships?"

"Hey! Those happen to be the product of hours upon hours of hard work! How DARE you belittle my creations!"

How these two became my best friends, I'll never know.

"If you ask me, none of the three of you have the guts to ask Mana out and you know it," butted in Asuka, as always.

"Yeah, but no one asked you, did they?" retorted Touji.

"Yeah!" said Kensuke, rather automatically.

Asuka humphed that cute little humph when she gets mad. "I'm the most popular girl in school, of course my opinion matters. Mana may be stealing my thunder right now, but that'll pass. Just you watch, stooges, you three will be lusting for me again in no time..."

She looked at her fingers, as if checking for dirt. "As if I'd go out with any of you anyway."

And she stormed off, dragging Hikari off to lunch, probably exaggerating our little conversation, probably adding something about our testcles.

"How the hell do you manage to live with that bitch-goddess, Ikari?" asked Touji, after a few moments of silence.

I merely shrugged my own confusion on the issue.

A few more weeks passed.

I gathered up my courage and repeated my mantra ("I musn't run away") as I waked across the room to a lonely Mana, sitting on her desk and staring out the window, as if thinking about some other time, place or dimension.

Both of us started blushing as soon as our eyes met.

"Erm...hi," I said.

"Hi," she replied.

"Would you go out with me on Friday?" we both blurted out.

...a little too loud. We said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.

The whooping that surrounded us made both of us redder than Asuka's hair...no...musn't think of other girls when one's right in front of you.

She must have seen the weird look on my face I had every time Asuka crossed my mind (good or bad, I can't explain it either), and giggled a bit.

"Meet me after school on Friday. Show me around town," she said. And she smiled.

I could get used to her smile.

The days passed by rather fast, and it was Friday. I met Mana at the gate, and we went downtown and showed her my usual spots...the few there are that were left after the angel attacks, sadly.

We opted for a nice, quiet café and talked about nothing in particular, but hey, at least we're learning more about each other.

The days flew by faster as Mana and I drew closer and closer together.

I could tell Asuka was jealous, though she'd never, ever admit it. I don't even know why. All she did was hit me and belittle me. But I know there's a softer side to her, one she doesn't reveal.

One I painfully learned one night when my hormones almost caused me to kiss her.

One word stopped me.

"Mama."

I knew then that Asuka knew my own pain.

But I've gone on a tangent. Here I was, awkward with my girlfriend (but was she really? Who knows), on a park bench. I didn't know which of us was going to make the first move.

Our eyes met.

Our faces drew closer.

Ever tantalizingly closer...

"CUT!"

My eardrums exploded in that moment.

"That's enough filming for today," said a flustered Mana.

"What?!" I sputtered. "But..."

"You have to keep the audience tantalized," she rationalized. "And it's too beautiful of a day to spoil it by a kissing scene."

She turned away from me as Kaworu shut the camera off.

I could have sworn I saw a hint of a blush on her face before she turned.

I went home and had my usual routine of listening to my SDAT stuck on tracks 25 and 26.

Rewinding sucks.

I hope one day they invent a music player that isn't cassette based.

One day...

The next day, there was no mention of filming.

Had the entire thing been too real? We all played our parts to the letter, after all. Asuka was apologizing to everyone about her behavior...although Rei acted normally, which was rather weird.

Kaworu was uncharacteristically annoyed at being behind the camera. Mana explained that he wasn't needed in the story yet, and was even more annoyed at the footage not being used after all.

I suspect he was more upset about his footage not being used than being in the movie.

I also really, really hate reality alterers. And I can't tell her about it either. Even though he manipulated the emotions of everyone around her, even for just a few...weeks. Granted.

Still. It was the principle of the thing.

Stupid conflicting emotions.

The next day, I talked to my best friends, Touji and Kensuke. Perhaps they would shed some light on my current predicament, I thought.

Looking back at it now, I wish I'd just jumped off my roof instead.

No, instead I'm listening to two guys who have not known the touch of a woman tell me all about the female of the species.

"They love it when you ignore them," said Touji, brilliantly flashing his smile at a passing girl, who promptly gave him the finger. She wants me, he mouths. She wants you to bury yourself headfirst is what she wants, you horrid little troll you.

"They also love it when you lavish attention on them," exclaimed Kensuke. Poor Kensuke. He will never know the pleasure of female contact.

Their conflicting statements drew a "Httghrgh" from me, which was the only thing that came to mind listening to their maddeningly conflicting advice.

I have not spoken to these two for months, and yet I ask them for advice. Either I'm very stupid, or very trusting of their opinion. I think it's the former. Then found that thought sad, and simply tried not to weep in front of these imbeciles.

The solace of our English teacher trying to convince us that "whippu" and "reathel" were actual English words filled me with joy. At least he had the excuse of being old and feeble while my best friends are the same age as I am. Which makes me fear for my own brain and what corrosive effects NERV is having on it.

Pray for my brain.

But at least those two make me feel smarter, God bless them.

The day went by without further incident. Had dinner with the family, and went to bed as per usual.

Looking back now, I shouldn't have ignored that urge to not sleep.

I woke up with something wet sitting on my forehead.

I jolted upward, hurling every swearword I could think of, and probably invented six or seven, thinking that Touji and Kensuke had snuck into my bedroom and teabagged me.

Reaching up, it was only a wet handkerchief. Mana was glaring at me.

I looked around, and found the NERV clubroom instead of my bedroom.

I thought I was dreaming again, but I remembered how vivid the wet handkerchief was. And the smell of the tea brewing in the corner.

I am awake and I'm in the clubroom for some reason.

"I thought you were feverish so I put that on your forehead," said Mana. She was either blushing or drunk. At this point, I don't know which of the two options was better.

"Why are we here? It's gotta be...3 or 4 AM," I grumbled as I looked out the window.

"We're the only two people here," she said.

Great. Just great.

"Well, we should get home. Our parents must be worried about us."

"Can't. Tried. Force Field."

"F...force field?" I don't recall if there was a sob on that one. "And you tried to leave without me?"

Yes, Anger! That'll get us out of this.

"I was trying to get you help, you idiot," she grumbled. "You were moaning in your sleep. It sounded like either you were dying of some horrible disease or getting a blowjob from an exceptionally good hooker."

I won't even ask how she knew the sound of getting a blowjob from an exceptionally good hooker.

She stood up and said she was going to look for more food. Apparently the cafeteria still had a lot of edible stock.

As she left, I heard a knock on the window. Finally, I thought. Other people!

I opened the window and realized that there would be no one outside the window. There was no ledge, for one, and we were on the second floor, so unless someone flew there.

Then a ball of light flew in front of my face. I recoiled as the features of that ball of light became increasingly clear. It was a Fairy. With Kaworu's face. Wearing a fairy outfit.

At that moment, I wanted to squeeze the life out of him and pop his head off. He was the last person I wanted to see now.

"Before you squeeze the life out of me," Kaworu began, perhaps sensing my intense hatred and general stabby mood, "I have something to tell you about your current predicament."

I loosened my deathgrip on his body and that goddamn fairy dress of his and listened.

"What the hell is happening? Is this some sort of manifestation of her powers again? Wasn't playing with our emotions to satisfy those idiots who didn't find our little misadventures on film enough?"

"Of course." said Kaworu. "We, that is myself, Rei and Asuka, suspect that your reaction to her most recent manipulation changed her mind. I don't believe Mana liked toying with us any more than we did, but she bore no malice. I believe she just wanted all of us to get along in a fictional little world she subconsciously came upon, but she probably realized that it was more acceptable to be doing it on our terms, that is, of our own volition. As for your current situation, I suspect that it is because she feels safer being with you than anyone else. As Rei has stated, she chose you and you alone out of six billion people to be alone with. You should be proud."

He wouldn't stop talking. It was horrible. So I moved to strangle him again when he held his hand up.

"Before you move to strangle me again, please remember...you're alone here. Right now, my powers only allow me this small form, and I'm taxing myself just delivering this message. Rei only has this to say: 'Do to her what you would never do in this world'. You must solve this riddle on your own."

Then he faded away.

That bastard.

To this day, I wish I looked for Ms. Katsuragi's legendary in-school beer stash so I could have drunk myself blind and forget that dress on Kaworu. I still have nightmares.

After a few hours of waiting for Mana to come back (and unsuccessfully looking for Ms. Katsuragi's Beer Stash), I wandered out into the schoolyard where I saw Mana's small form...standing in front of Twelve gigantic figures that looked similar to the black masked giant that attacked the city.

"Mana!" I yelled. "Get away from them!"

She didn't move. She just stared at them.

"Shinji! THIS is what I wanted! Just look at these aliens!"

The aliens looked down on us.

Dear God. I'm going to die and this girl will be the cause.

Then...clarity.

'Do to her what you would never do in this world', said Rei.

So I did. In front of giant trampling alien-things, I grabbed her shoulders and I kissed Mana.

And that's when reality shat itself.

**Epilogue**

So, anyway, what happened after that huge reality warp thing? You'd suspect a happy ending for everyone, don't you? Ah, but that only happens in feel-good movies. Everything went back to normal. Well...relatively normal.

Misato Katsuragi eventually married her childhood sweetheart Kaji, only to divorce him after learning he'd been sleeping with Ritsuko Akagi, their other friend and marriage counselor. Misato now lives alone, teaching children, and warning them against dyed-blond sluts.

My parents went missing for a couple of years in Africa. I lived with Misato and Asuka during that time, Misato fearing that I wouldn't live without females around me. My parents finally returned, surviving a horrible safari tour gone wrong by eating zebras my father killed with his bare hands. They eventually found their way into Egypt where they were rescued and transported back here to Japan. Unfortunately the experience brought out white hairs in my mother, and she looked like Rei with the semi-blue grey hair. She still has nightmares about my seventeen straight minutes of screaming.

Kensuke went on to a successful career as a director. He mostly does documentaries, and recently won an American award for his documentary on Global Cooling, 'An Irritating Fact'. I believe it is called a 'Razzie' or something similar. He sleeps with it every night and fondles it as if it were his own child.

Touji, believe it or not, finally found a woman to tame him, and that is Asuka's friend Hikari. Touji would never tell me how she did it, but there was something in his eyes that told me that I shouldn't dig any further or I would weep for him.

Rei went into the software business, building NERVsoft and becoming the youngest multi-billionaire in the world. I'd love to call shenanigans on the legitimacy of her rise to power, but every time I get the urge to, she sends me a royalty check for the name and I just shut up, cash it immediately and lie down naked on the large amounts of money.

Kaworu has become a very successful interior decorator. Shocking, isn't it. He became so powerful that he and American interior decorator Christopher Lowell fought to the death. He still has Lowell's stuffed corpse in his living room. He always tries to decorate my home but I always give him the wrong address.

Asuka is...well.

As for Mana? Well, she is now a successful Space Pirate. I wish I was joking, but she did go into business with Rei, and she used her part of her fortune to build a Pirate Ship that can go into space. Every time I see the shadow of that ship fly across the moon, I wish I had some sort of illegal weapon I could shoot at it, but I just break down in tears.

I'm...writing this. And I married Asuka. And if you think I'm telling you about having sex with her, you're insane.


End file.
